With Mother's Day approaching, I find myself crying again. It seems like it doesnt get any easier each year. I hate crying as much as I do but sometimes letting it out helps somewhat......

13

              I remember the day my mother past away. It seems like thats one vivid image I cant erase. I didnt understand back then what she was really going through. Had I known all she wanted was my concern I wouldve given just that.

              February 23, 1998 ended with members from church coming to pray over her. I believe for that week she was responsive to much. I remember during the time when she was still able to talk she called me one of her sisters name. Of course it hurt because at that moment I believe she no longer knew I was her daughter. As Im sitting here writing I wish I wouldve sat in the room with her even if it was doing nothing but talking.

            By the end of the night, we all retired to our rooms. I remember going to sleep later than normal. What felt like a dream became a reality. I laid slumber and in my dream the clock said 12:23am.I saw my mothers spirit enter my room and kiss me goodbye,then went into my brother room and did the same. I really couldnt see the death angel face but she went with him. And then I was awaken to my brother telling me mother had past.

             I look at the clock and saw that it was 12:45am. My aunts came over and we sat in the kitchen while the coroners came to pick up my mothers body. It still didnt make sense. Within a few hours I would be going to school to take 8th grade pictures. Sleep failed me the rest of the night. I went to school on an empty stomach crying and still confuse. Successfully pictures came out great and went with family to prepare funeral arrangements.

            I wish I could elaborate more but my emotions are taking over.......

      Writing my first blog isnt going to be as easy as expected. My life has been all I would love for it to be. Growing up I thought I had the life and my future was set. It seem since the passing of my mother 13 years ago I havent been able to discuss how I really feel. When I was 13 I didnt understand until I became a freshman in high school in 1998 where I would hear my friends say, "I hate my mother". I remember breaking down that evening to my father.

        In my opinion back then I felt he didnt understand what I was going through. Sure he lost his wife but @ that moment I lost my mother. Now I begin to discover a crazy world. Small rebel @ times but I never disrespected to the point of I needed a butt whooping. Every teen goes through some phase where they think they know everything. I can say that even doing that time my dad never gave up

.        I graduated high school and then came decision making. College or beauty school? My choice was beauty school. A success & a fail only because I no longer do hair. So now I fight with myself on going back to school. Ive had my share of boys & man. On that notion Im not proud of. Alot of relationship fails including me looking for attention in all the wrong places. However I still had to move on.

           Even when I was being loved by family & friends it never seem to be enough. I became depress. When I needed to vent no one would just listen. Now I keep to myself. I have no friends just associates.When I need someone to talk to I feel they wont understand. So writing is my lease on understanding me and my needs.

Today begins with step 1...........